Just me questioning

Questioning my time, questioning my purpose.

I think I was delusional. I usually don’t believe in myself. But I did two years ago, when I started ‘Little Pink Diary’. I thought by the time I moved on from my then current visa, I would be able to freelance. Have the ability to earn some money from my blog. I thought I held promise, that there has to be a couple people out there who enjoy the way I knit words together.

I was wrong.

Currently a stay at home parent. And I love it, I love spending my days with my baby, others don’t. Friend and family keep asking me when I’m going to go back to work and it truly is getting to me. 

My happiness isn’t worthy

Unless it collects money

I’m trying to reprogram my brain. I don’t need to put a down payment on a house or a high paying job to be happy and successful. Phone calls involve all different forms of comparison and judgment. And I’m just the same. I’m trying to get better, but it’s hard. And postpartum is a perfect breading ground for those thoughts.

Those mothers ‘bounced back’ so fast, how is their baby younger than mine?

During pregnancy I struggled heavily with my body image and I got it in my head (thanks social media) that with me breastfeeding the weight would pour out of me through my milk. It doesn’t, surprise surprise. 

Me comparing my body to others is not new, not in the slightest. Being postpartum has unlocked a new level of self judgment. I feel as though other mother’s have their shit together. I know it’s probably just a facade. But their skin is clear and my hormones are giving me acne. They are so skinny and I am struggling with my weight. They wake up early, attend each baby group that is offered while I hate leaving the house. I don’t know how they are doing it and I’m jealous. I’m jealous. I feel like I’m doing this wrong. Doing motherhood wrong, doing life wrong. All because other mothers look ‘better’ than me.

Those mothers have already gone back to work or have started a side hustle.

As mentioned, it feels like everyone is questioning why I’m not working. Am I imagining it? Is being a stay at home parent not a thing anymore? The more people ask, the more I believe I need to find a job. The more people ask the greater the guilt I carry grows for putting the financial strain on my partner. I feel as if I’m not carrying my weight as a parent. I stay home but the house seems to be a mess, only one room clean at a time. Where is everyone getting so much time, so much energy? Is this because I don’t drink coffee?

Others make profit off their hobbies and now I cannot enjoy playing with yarn when others get paid to do the same. I’m questioning what I’m doing.

I’m just confused? I feel like I need to be doing more, I need to be monetizing everything or at least something. I need to be doing more. Because I feel like all I’m doing is comparing myself to others and then spend all day in bed.

No matter how many self help books and articles I read I cannot accept my life and be happy about.

Those thoughts swirl into a - I’ll be happy once I’ve lost the baby weight. I’ll be happy once I can help my family financially - and I just want those thoughts to fuck off and I don’t know how.