I've Lost My Voice (kind of, sort of)

I cannot seem to comprehend myself. . . 

        I seem to be unable to hear my voice. . .  Maybe I do hear it? My brain just deletes the memory of the string of words I thought sounded remotely good once they left my lips. An individual who for some god-forsaken reason is unable to preserve themselves and find an internal connection with society. Whenever I watch or listen to a form of my past self word-vomiting to an audience that does not exist, it enters my ear canal, and the noise is processed. Sorted into the white noise category. Dumped and labelled in which I deem unimportant and that must be tuned out.

        Possibly it is just another form of me finding myself unimportant. A way to diminish my value.

        However, it is completely subconscious. No matter how hard I try, I can just not understand the mixture of consonants and vowels I am producing.  The fan on my computer is louder. I am able to understand the birds chirping through the locked window more than myself. 

        The fact is that I am afraid of silence. I have streams of music on a loop, a never-ending flow of it directly to my ears. Showering, sleeping, working, even writing, writing right now. I am disgusted by silence, so, as a form of a sick joke, or prank(?) my own voice is closer recognized as my fear than my holy grail. Can’t help but find myself laughing. 

        My voice, the only thing I seem to have is self-deemed as well, not a voice. 

        I have been having these recurring nightmares, where in the moment I am fully convinced that it is reality. The situations that play out change from night to night, the only common factor being that the situation is bad. I try to scream; I try too hard. But no voice will leave my throat. My vocal cords refuse to do their little dance.

Could it be due to the fact that as a person as a whole, I do not exist?