kind of feel like a failure

Okay, this is like really personal and really scary to just let anyone read so please don't bully me.

I wake up in agony. Dreading the day before me. Because I think my brain forgot how to make my body produce a smile. The future seems to be covered with stress and events that cause my anxiety to peak. My calendar is covered in pen and highlighter, and I just want a day to let my sadness clock the world.

I keep saying yes to volunteering jobs and tasks because I want to have a purpose. However, as time goes on and this headache won't go away, I'm starting to question if there is a purpose for me to hold that isn't grinding my bones.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I'm taking my medication, and attending my counselling sessions. Being involved with the community. Attending actives in which once brought me joy. Cover all my spaces with the colour pink. Listening to the many articles which girls have saved on Pinterest. I start my day by making my bed but that doesn't make my head any less messy.

But I have no promise. I can't miss three classes without getting myself deported. I have no promise that I can stay in this country for less than a year and I'm screaming. And everyone else is producing excellency and I can't remember what I wrote on my shopping list. I'm scared to leave my room. And I only leave my flat when it's early in the morning.

At the end of the line, there's a ding. And I think I put arsenic in my tea. I keep having these dreams where my dead relatives are blaming me, and I can't escape the questioning of my fate.

I attended church. I attended church because my Grandma is sick and I'm tired of people dying. I have no clue where my spirituality is all I know is I'm quite convinced that I am trapped inside someone's walls.

I'm lost in my own life. Because I'm just a failure.